Rut
This post was written in 2019 when I was still living in London, but I hope it will send encouragement to anyone who is feeling like they are in a rut right now. Things will get better.
“Feel the fear and do it anyway”
My housemate was quoting a book when she said this but for some bizarre reason it really resonated with me today. It might also have been the emotional Taiwanese drama I had been watching, I’m not entirely sure.
I think I have been in a rut for a long time now. It might not be blindingly obvious because when people ask how I’m doing I instinctively reply “good thanks, how about you?” I’ve been in the UK for 5 years now, I’ve learnt such social etiquette. I am currently on a project that I like with people I enjoy working with, I have housemates that I get along with and are actually friends with. I have a good network of friends that I love and somehow love me back too. My family support what I’m doing and don’t pressurize me to any of the normal “Asian” norms. And yet…
I find it hard to get up in the mornings most days. I can’t stick to any health or work out routine. I skip my evening routines and I go to bed filled with disappointment at myself for not having done anything productive. Most weekends I say I’m going to regain my spark and I end up binge watching the same genre of dramas and not meal prepping for the week. I haven’t felt like I’ve grown for a long time, and I’m not used to it. Now I find myself with more blessings than I’ve ever had, but less happy and more unsatisfied.
In case I hadn’t already sounded like a spoiled brat, let me add to the image and say that I’ve only experienced these revelations when I’m on holiday, in another country. It is probably because my brain switches into such a different mode, I’m not on autopilot any more and real life ceases to exist, allowing my brain to sieve through thoughts and dissect each and every one of them.
My way back from China was one such experience. I remember looking out the window and listening to staralfur (by Sigur Ros, check it out). The sun was setting among the clouds and the sky was a beautiful pink, yellow and blue hue. I took stock of my life so far and wondered if I was happy. The answer was no. I had learnt a lot and there were very very high moments in my life. But I had grown complacent. I had become to rely on my laurels. I wasn’t challenging or growing myself any longer, emotionally or intellectually. I had stayed and kept a lot of anger in for months without trying to be the better person. I had become lazy and not kept the same academic rigour I should have. By all counts of the world, I was doing okay and even great. But by all counts of me, I was cheating myself.
Right then I made the decision (helped by some sort of cosmic power) that I needed to move. I had grown tired and comfortable in the UK. I didn’t know how to articulate it and decide before and yet, over Mongolia, I made up my mind. Some where, some time in 2020, I will leave the UK. I hadn’t thought through or ironed out the cracks but at least I made up my mind on something that had been nagging at me for such a long time. And with it came peace.
Like Melinda Gates, I want to get in the habit of doing things that scare me. If I can quote one of the biggest role models I have (link):
My hope for everyone reading this is that you get in the habit of doing things that scare you — that you learn to coexist with a little fear and let it motivate you instead of hold you back. If you live your life at the edges of your comfort zone, your world is constantly getting bigger.
To Elisabeth,
I bet 20-year-old us would be pretty impressed by the fears we’ve overcome and the new skills we’ve learned. And I bet you’ll feel the same way about your future self, too.
Best,
Your future self.
Update from 2021 me: Yes, you did it. You moved home and made a life for yourself here. You’ll be happy with all the progress that you’ve made.
